Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
