He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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