I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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