i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the day after is always just damage control
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
