I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
