I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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