i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
