So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
