worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
