when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
