There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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