You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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