Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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