I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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