What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
