help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
