Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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