mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
