i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
