I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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