You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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