dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
