I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
