The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
