how can u be prego again
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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