totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
