sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
