The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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