Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
