i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
