Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize