My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
