Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
