I accidentally burped into my bong.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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