There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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