I love black thongs
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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