If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
look no pants
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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