I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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