Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
