Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
