When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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