i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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