I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
