He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
