hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
