Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
