While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
