I got chris browned last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
