You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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