see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
