So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
