dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
