My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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