96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i came on her dog
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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