Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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