do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
