I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
