am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
